Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I woke up under a house in Key West
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