Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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