I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
