Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
How does it feel to date your dad?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
