Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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