Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
