There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
