Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
