ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
