True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
