Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
