if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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