What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
