my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
