Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
