Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize
