Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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