also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
