Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
