i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
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