i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
