Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize