i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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