Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
