how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
