Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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