I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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