I would go down on you faster than GM stock
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
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