We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize