1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
