I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
