he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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