I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
