My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
