ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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