ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
