My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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