Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
