I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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