btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
