Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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