Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
