Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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