Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
