seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
sex in a hospital.. check
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
