dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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