I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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