Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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