Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Green mimosas i think yes
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize