you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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