Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
