Cold hands, warm shart.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
