one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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