My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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