you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
